Early AM Shift

ok I got into work ata 6 am today. To do truck I haven't had to do this in a looong time. But in a way I guess I like this better because I dont have my boss breathing down my back all the time. Today I was paired up with JO, she is up to be promoted soon. But she is a really nice person. She let me work on my own and at my own pace. We got all the baby side done in 3 1/2 hours. By the time the store was opening we or should I say I because Jo was sent to GSL had to just clean up but extra stuff in the back to be scanned in. Cardboard by the bailer, and JC cart was ready to be put away. Today was a good day at work. And I got paid. not alot but enough to cover the car payment thats due today.

Memorial Day

Today is suppose to be a day in which we all take a moment to look back and thank all those who have fallen in the line of duty. Those who have given their life's for us people whom they never met. I for one took the time to bow my head and thank God and them. But I also decided to make the most of this day. Instead of coming home from work to hide inside. I embraced the warm weather and went to a birthday cook out. I spent the fresh night air sitting outside with my family. Thing I always took for granted but today took the time to remember how much I miss these moment and how my daughter deserves to have these moments of her own. I hope each of you spent a wonderful 3 day weekend for most of us at least. Now I am going back to watching my daughter hug and eat some chips while watching a movie with her daddy. My two loves! Good NIght guys.

strength

What is strength? Is it how much you can lift or bench press? Or is it how much you can take? how many times can you fall and still get back up fighting? I don't have an answer to that question. But I do know that strength is a necessary thing in life. No more who you are. And although some such as myself may feel we don't have nearly as much as we should. We keep on trying. Right now I am just trying to think of ways ways in which one might achieve more strength lord knows I need it. I want to stop wishing. I don't want to live in fairy tales. I want to make my own. To man up and know that if I really want something in life I have to go out there and get it. Its not going to come around and knock on my door. As much as I wish it did. <--- See that there I go wishing again on things that aren't going to happen. I 'm starting to feel that all this wishing its just wasted time. What do you guys think?

Jealous?

Yea so this is one of the latest things my hubby has taught my daughter Jealous? She says it for everything. Today is both mine and the hubby day off. We decide we would spend it together going out to the stores taking the lil one to the small zoo thats in one of the nearby towns. Today started off semi ok. I hate waking up only to find out my husband has left. He decided he want to go say hi to the guys at work. Ok whatever. We get ready and go to the zoo. On our way back he decided he wants to stop by and wash his car. Sure I don't mind. All I asked is if he could drop me off at the CVS that was down the block and he could pick me and my daughter up when he was done. No go. This is were things went south we ended up fighting. Because he told me I'm going to take awhile all the more reason. Its like 80 degrees out and I don't want my child sitting in a hot car for to long. We go home mad. He leaves yet again without even a good bye I have no clue when he got back I took a nap with my daughter. I wake up he is home. 10 min later I have no clue where he has gone again. So I have all the time in the world to think.

I honestly am hating him right now. He tells me I am the one that works everyday. You work like what 2-3 days out of the week. I want to yell at him. I have a full time job its called being a MOM and its not even a job that I get paid for. I do it because I love it. I love watching my little girl sleep. I love it when I come home from my crappy job and she runs over and hugs me. I love that for naps she loves to fall asleep with my arm under her head. I am the one who has to make sure what little money we have lasts us as long as it can. While You just spend spend spend without thinking. My car might look nice or what not. Its been months since I told him I need new brakes the mechanic told him too and have I gotten them no! But he has money to go change the emblem on his car. To change the fog lights to HD ones. He washes his car at least once a week.

Am I jealous? Yes! because this isn't the life I wanted for myself. And every time I feel I step two steps forward someone comes along and knock me back 3! I want to be like my sister and be able to go and  buy myself new jeans and clothes or what not. I buy clothes for myself only about once every 6 or 7 months. Unless I get it at a thrift store. I want to be like him. To just be able to say I'll be back. And just leave. I want to have friends again. Not just people I know and say hi too. I hate that I don't even have that while he has both guy and girl friends.

As much as I might hate my life at this moment. I wouldn't ever give up. I have a child that needs me. I have to make sure she doesn't end up this ways. With a life full of regrets. So From this day on I will start to change my ways. I don't want any more regrets than the ones I have now.

To those of you who read this

i honestly appreciate you taking the time to check out at least on of my post. and allowing me to tell you guys about my life. If you ever wanna drop a comment, advice, or question please do I look forward to getting to know some of you guys.

Long Nights

Ok once once again I am staying up to wait for my honey buns lol! he is working with my dad on some office building and they can only do the construction at nights. Keep in mind my hubby has a 8 am - 4pm job. I feel so bad for him because he has barely gotten any sleep. But he says that he likes it because that means we will have some extra money we are trying to save up. I am not sure if we want to pay off our bills or finally take the big step and buy our first house. Don't get me wrong living in my parent's basement is fine... for now. I mean we pay rent and for all of our things. so I mean what we pay in rent we could use to pay our house payment. But we haven't found anything we like just yet.

 So guys I have about 3 more of these nights. I have already gone thru buffy season 1 and half of 2 I'll probably finsh that up tonight. O and half of Supernatural Season 1. Any suggestions as to what else I should watch to pass the time. God I wish I had Lost Girl Season 1!! Also wish that I had a 7-11 right next to my house.

God not to sound bogus or nothing. But I got a man to have someone to sleep next to at night. And watching Buffy Kissing angel while not having someone to cuddle with Sucks. O fyi I got my visit from my aunt Flow so I am extremely moody. Sucks it really does.

Resentment continued

I remember my mom calling me that night after the accident to tell me your dad says he doesn't care if you try to send him to jail because of the bruises. I cried my eyes out. My mom and sister used to come over all the time. My boyfriend and I rented from my cousins at the time. I wouldn't come out of our room until well after they left. Sometimes my mom would let my sister up to our room to see me. About 8 months later my parents decided to send me a message with my sister. That we could set up a time to go and try and smooth things over with them. I was nervous and afraid. We went and things went well. We decided to send Christmas with them that year.
   Now I know they are my parents and I love them. And I will not judge them on the choices they made. But I can't help but to feel some resentment towards them. More towards my dad than my mom. I don't know I feel like my dad just keeps on making mistakes. And doesn't bother to try and make up for them.
   Recently we found out that he has had 2 affairs. I remember when I was younger I would ask him for things. Or even 5 bucks and he would always say no. Every time we needed something my mom paid. And now I come to find out that he takes out kids that aren't his and buys them everything they want. When we are losing our home! My mom bought herself new appliances about a year ago guess who had our old ones in her brand new kitchen. YUP my dad's whore. My dad owes the IRS because he made more money than we ever knew. All that extra money went to her. Yup like 15,000. So this year I don't get financial aid and its because of money I never even saw. I am still on my parents taxes because I am not married and they have always given me what they get back from my taxes. Next year my taxes will be with my husbands. And hopefully I can go back to school.

resentment...

Ok so were you the kind of person who got so jealous when you would hear of your friends going out on the weekends and hanging out getting to do whatever you wanted? I know I was. My parents wouldn't even let me out of the house. My mom hated the fact that I would go over to my friend's house. SHE LIVED RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET TOO! she would always say why can't she come over here. Or if your going to go over there I don't want you inside of their house stay in the front yard. My dad well he was strict as hell but never around and when he was it was kinda like he wasn't unless I was in trouble. Yea so at the age of 16 after dating my hubby for a year I gave in and gave it up yup! and lets just say the first time could have been way more romantic lol. My mom found out and flip she very old fashion and since the church says it wrong Then I must be going to Hell! She took me to the family doctor who although embarrassing actually helped. He told her times had changed that it wasn't an uncommon thing to have sex before marriage. She kept it our secret.

       Until I started to act out. I start skipping school alot! I would only go to the classes I like which were only like 3 out of 8. I felt like I was in hell in school, as if i wasn't accepted anywhere. My sister started to feel this way too her sophomore year and so she began to meet up with me at my car whenever she knew I was leaving. It fact I had never been to close to my younger sister. This brought us so close together its not even funny. The day my mom told my daddy that I was no longer a virgin and had been skipping school they thought it was to be with him. and some days it was but not really. He went crazy! beat us with his belt I remember at first I was sacred but after I couldn't think of anything else but to cover my sister. Because she wasn't at fault. She wouldn't have skipped if I hadn't I was the bad influence. My dad left home for 2 days. In which I took my time to think things thru my dad told me if I was home when he got there its cuz I had ended things with the boo for good otherwise he would kill him. So I took a deep breath and told him I love him but I was going my own way. I was leaving home. He told me I was dead to him. To only take what I could carry and be gone by the time I got back. That he didn't want to see or talk to me again. 

        I gathered my clothes in bags and waited for the boyfriend outside. I got in and tried hard not to look back. Saying good bye to my sister was one of the hardest things I ever got to do. 

 The first time I saw myself in the mirror I was surprised at all the bruises because I no longer felt the pain. I later got a call my sister with a message from my parents that I could come by for the rest of my stuff. I told her we would be buy that afternoon. On our way there we got in an accident. Suspension broke the whole left back side was damaged. I remember thats when my back started hurting. But I was afraid to say anything. Not because insurance because the other driver would have to pay but because of the bruises I had that I knew were not from the accident. 

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How do you tell your

Ok i have this small yet very BIG problem. About a month ago I went and got married at the court house. And I have yet to tell my parents. If you guys knew my parents you would understand why its a big deal. My mom flipped out on me because she was not the first person to find out I was pregnant. She was the 4th person. My husband was 2nd. My older sister was on the phone with me explaining how pregnancy test work so she was 1st. My younger sister went with me to buy 3 more test so she was 3rd. I mean I been living with the husband for almost 5 years now. I think this wedding was over due don't you guys?

LOST WEIGHT YEA BABY!

Ok not going to lie I let myself so after having a baby! I gained 30 pounds and pretty much have kept them on for the past 2 years. Not fun and not cool. Lately I feel so fat its not even funny. So I started trying to lose weight by all means. exercise wasn't cutting it. So I decided to buy some of those get slim quick products. None of them worked. Until I found my salvation!!! It Works Body wraps. O yea like the girl told me It was time to get my sexy back. So I bought one I had nothing to lose. Cost me $25 bucks. I had just received my tax refund so I didn't mind paying. I tried it right away with the help of my sister. I left it on for 2 hours even though you don't have to wear it that long. Minimum of 45 minutes. It felt like tingly feeling and it smells like Vicks Vapor Rub. So I was like ehh is this really going to work. I measured myself before putting it on and then afterwards. I lost a whole 2 inches! O YEA BABY! so far I have used two and lost 3.5 inches. As soon as I get some extra money better believe I am getting another! I love fitting into my old jeans again. Shhh.... DONT TELL ANYONE!! I MEAN ANYONE LOL but my hubby and I are even having sex more often. Its great.


btw the girl's email is itworksmtz@yahoo.com she is really nice. Tell her the girl from the Thats life blog sent you please!

Car trouble

ok, so yesterday afternoon on my way home I noticed that my brakes were acting up not cool I almost crashed! so I told the husband because I have been telling him for the last couple months I've been telling him that the brakes felt like they were not working to well anymore. So when to get the oil changed he asked to get it checked out. I have no back breaks two links in the front need to be changed and it needs to get aliened. So all in all it he said it will cost about $420! Yikes! ok so I have some savings the hubby doesn't know about but no where near enough to cover that. The hubby is going to pay half. and the breaks we are going to change half. yes me and the hubby split cost since we both work. well more like he gives me his money I put all the money together and pay bills, rent, everything. But he does get to keep some money for himself as do I. Only things that makes me mad is that I have months telling him. And I wonder if he had gotten it checked out earlier if things (repairs) would have been cheaper.

Love?

You so can you truly love someone whom you cannot fully trust? Because I am pretty That I love my husband with all my heart. but honestly I have doubts in the back of my head. I always thinks he doesn't love me. that he is just with me because we are just used to being together and because of our daughter. I mean I have caught him talking to other girls behind my back at least 5 times. he always claims that they are just friends. twice I have had nightmares of him cheating both were so bad that I woke up crying.

Work

ugh had to work today. I really really really am starting to hate my job. My boss yells at me every single time I am there that why am I not getting people to sign up for credit cards. That why can't I get them to sign up for a loyalty card. Its so embarrassing because he will even do it in front of customers. today my shift wasn't even over and he was like she doesn't need to be here. <= to my other manager, => other manager to me. Thank you. You can go home now. Its really slow! But ugh I need the money so I suck it up and keep my mouth closed.

Baby #1

ok so I going have one baby. A 2 year old girl. I didn't except her to happen so early on in life but thats what happens when you don't use protection. I have used protection every time since! My baby daddy is my first and only sexual partner. I love him to death and the sex is great! Ok so during pregnancy things were tough he was talking to other girls <-- this is a constant problem with him. So I was thinking of leaving him I had a great guy friend around this time. But he lived an hour or so from me so we would txt or talk on the phone. He kept adivising me not to take my boyfriends shit. That I could care for my baby on my own. His girlfriend became a really good friend of mine too. On my moms birthday we got in a HUGE fight because said friend was in town and stopped by to see me and my belly! He stay 3 steps lower than me on the stairs by to my front door never got any closer. My Boyfriend/Husband freaked! NO more guy friends not even the ones we had in common. baby is a month early. boyfriend went to work and slept at home the 2 days i was in labor. My mommy stayed with me the whole time. I'll explain labor later on I feel like all my thoughts are just jumbled because I want to write about one thing but all these different thought keep coming into my head.

Life

Life is well complicated. I need to get stuff of my chest and bear all to complete strangers because I am scared of being judged by someone whom I hold close and dear to me. Ok so my life right now it hasn't quite come out how I thought it would by now. I didn't except to have a kid and be married before I had even turned 21. I thought hey I'm going to finish high school, nope didn't get to do that. Ended up getting my ged. I thought I was going to have a nice wedding, nope got married at the court house with none of my family around. I can't say that I hate my life but i sure as hell aint happy with it half of the time. I want to do something with my life! But I feel like my family justs holds me back they are never the ones behind me pushing me telling me I can.