Early AM Shift

ok I got into work ata 6 am today. To do truck I haven't had to do this in a looong time. But in a way I guess I like this better because I dont have my boss breathing down my back all the time. Today I was paired up with JO, she is up to be promoted soon. But she is a really nice person. She let me work on my own and at my own pace. We got all the baby side done in 3 1/2 hours. By the time the store was opening we or should I say I because Jo was sent to GSL had to just clean up but extra stuff in the back to be scanned in. Cardboard by the bailer, and JC cart was ready to be put away. Today was a good day at work. And I got paid. not alot but enough to cover the car payment thats due today.

Memorial Day

Today is suppose to be a day in which we all take a moment to look back and thank all those who have fallen in the line of duty. Those who have given their life's for us people whom they never met. I for one took the time to bow my head and thank God and them. But I also decided to make the most of this day. Instead of coming home from work to hide inside. I embraced the warm weather and went to a birthday cook out. I spent the fresh night air sitting outside with my family. Thing I always took for granted but today took the time to remember how much I miss these moment and how my daughter deserves to have these moments of her own. I hope each of you spent a wonderful 3 day weekend for most of us at least. Now I am going back to watching my daughter hug and eat some chips while watching a movie with her daddy. My two loves! Good NIght guys.

strength

What is strength? Is it how much you can lift or bench press? Or is it how much you can take? how many times can you fall and still get back up fighting? I don't have an answer to that question. But I do know that strength is a necessary thing in life. No more who you are. And although some such as myself may feel we don't have nearly as much as we should. We keep on trying. Right now I am just trying to think of ways ways in which one might achieve more strength lord knows I need it. I want to stop wishing. I don't want to live in fairy tales. I want to make my own. To man up and know that if I really want something in life I have to go out there and get it. Its not going to come around and knock on my door. As much as I wish it did. <--- See that there I go wishing again on things that aren't going to happen. I 'm starting to feel that all this wishing its just wasted time. What do you guys think?

Jealous?

Yea so this is one of the latest things my hubby has taught my daughter Jealous? She says it for everything. Today is both mine and the hubby day off. We decide we would spend it together going out to the stores taking the lil one to the small zoo thats in one of the nearby towns. Today started off semi ok. I hate waking up only to find out my husband has left. He decided he want to go say hi to the guys at work. Ok whatever. We get ready and go to the zoo. On our way back he decided he wants to stop by and wash his car. Sure I don't mind. All I asked is if he could drop me off at the CVS that was down the block and he could pick me and my daughter up when he was done. No go. This is were things went south we ended up fighting. Because he told me I'm going to take awhile all the more reason. Its like 80 degrees out and I don't want my child sitting in a hot car for to long. We go home mad. He leaves yet again without even a good bye I have no clue when he got back I took a nap with my daughter. I wake up he is home. 10 min later I have no clue where he has gone again. So I have all the time in the world to think.

I honestly am hating him right now. He tells me I am the one that works everyday. You work like what 2-3 days out of the week. I want to yell at him. I have a full time job its called being a MOM and its not even a job that I get paid for. I do it because I love it. I love watching my little girl sleep. I love it when I come home from my crappy job and she runs over and hugs me. I love that for naps she loves to fall asleep with my arm under her head. I am the one who has to make sure what little money we have lasts us as long as it can. While You just spend spend spend without thinking. My car might look nice or what not. Its been months since I told him I need new brakes the mechanic told him too and have I gotten them no! But he has money to go change the emblem on his car. To change the fog lights to HD ones. He washes his car at least once a week.

Am I jealous? Yes! because this isn't the life I wanted for myself. And every time I feel I step two steps forward someone comes along and knock me back 3! I want to be like my sister and be able to go and  buy myself new jeans and clothes or what not. I buy clothes for myself only about once every 6 or 7 months. Unless I get it at a thrift store. I want to be like him. To just be able to say I'll be back. And just leave. I want to have friends again. Not just people I know and say hi too. I hate that I don't even have that while he has both guy and girl friends.

As much as I might hate my life at this moment. I wouldn't ever give up. I have a child that needs me. I have to make sure she doesn't end up this ways. With a life full of regrets. So From this day on I will start to change my ways. I don't want any more regrets than the ones I have now.

To those of you who read this

i honestly appreciate you taking the time to check out at least on of my post. and allowing me to tell you guys about my life. If you ever wanna drop a comment, advice, or question please do I look forward to getting to know some of you guys.

Long Nights

Ok once once again I am staying up to wait for my honey buns lol! he is working with my dad on some office building and they can only do the construction at nights. Keep in mind my hubby has a 8 am - 4pm job. I feel so bad for him because he has barely gotten any sleep. But he says that he likes it because that means we will have some extra money we are trying to save up. I am not sure if we want to pay off our bills or finally take the big step and buy our first house. Don't get me wrong living in my parent's basement is fine... for now. I mean we pay rent and for all of our things. so I mean what we pay in rent we could use to pay our house payment. But we haven't found anything we like just yet.

 So guys I have about 3 more of these nights. I have already gone thru buffy season 1 and half of 2 I'll probably finsh that up tonight. O and half of Supernatural Season 1. Any suggestions as to what else I should watch to pass the time. God I wish I had Lost Girl Season 1!! Also wish that I had a 7-11 right next to my house.

God not to sound bogus or nothing. But I got a man to have someone to sleep next to at night. And watching Buffy Kissing angel while not having someone to cuddle with Sucks. O fyi I got my visit from my aunt Flow so I am extremely moody. Sucks it really does.

Resentment continued

I remember my mom calling me that night after the accident to tell me your dad says he doesn't care if you try to send him to jail because of the bruises. I cried my eyes out. My mom and sister used to come over all the time. My boyfriend and I rented from my cousins at the time. I wouldn't come out of our room until well after they left. Sometimes my mom would let my sister up to our room to see me. About 8 months later my parents decided to send me a message with my sister. That we could set up a time to go and try and smooth things over with them. I was nervous and afraid. We went and things went well. We decided to send Christmas with them that year.
   Now I know they are my parents and I love them. And I will not judge them on the choices they made. But I can't help but to feel some resentment towards them. More towards my dad than my mom. I don't know I feel like my dad just keeps on making mistakes. And doesn't bother to try and make up for them.
   Recently we found out that he has had 2 affairs. I remember when I was younger I would ask him for things. Or even 5 bucks and he would always say no. Every time we needed something my mom paid. And now I come to find out that he takes out kids that aren't his and buys them everything they want. When we are losing our home! My mom bought herself new appliances about a year ago guess who had our old ones in her brand new kitchen. YUP my dad's whore. My dad owes the IRS because he made more money than we ever knew. All that extra money went to her. Yup like 15,000. So this year I don't get financial aid and its because of money I never even saw. I am still on my parents taxes because I am not married and they have always given me what they get back from my taxes. Next year my taxes will be with my husbands. And hopefully I can go back to school.